the first year without my mom...

when my mom first passed away on april 4, 2025, i didn't just feel sad... i was numb.

i disappeared. for about a week i couldn't even get out of bed... and i hate admitting that because i wasn't showing up for my kids or my husband the way they deserved. everything around me was falling apart and for a while i didn't care.

i didn't want to hurt myself but i just kept wishing i was with my mom again. it was almost like my brain shut off all logical thinking and i couldn't decipher what was real life and what wasn't... i was empty.

and then the numbness turned into something else...

anger. irritability. snapping at everyone for stupid things. picking fights with my husband (God bless his soul for putting up with me). not wanting to do anything or be around anyone. stopped going to church. nauseous every day from not eating right or at all some days.

i was becoming someone i didn't recognize, and i didn't know how to stop it. and underneath all of it, was thoughts i never said out loud...

not in a "im going to do something" way... but in a quiet heavy way. like wishing i could just sleep and wake up somewhere she was. like not wanting to be here if she wasn't...

she was my rock. through every stupid decision i had ever made she was there... not telling me i'm dumb but telling me learn and move on, everyone makes mistakes...

i just wanted to be with her, and it was scary because i knew i had people who needed me and the grief plus the guilt i felt every day for not being there for my family good enough was eating me alive. grief was slowly killing who i was. i wasn't just sad, i was lost.

and for months that's where i stayed... disconnected from reality. a shell of my former self. picking fights with my husband, threatening to break up (knowing darn well i would never), probably making everyone around me miserable and blaming anyone but myself.

but after months of that i had enough... something had to change. we started going back to church (a new one that was probably the best decision ever) and they were also planning a marriage retreat... we signed up immediately. were we hesitant? yes. was it the best choice we have ever made? also, YES!

at this marriage retreat not only was it fun and a nice getaway overnight without the kids for once since having our youngest a year and a half ago, but we met a couple (one of the pastors and his wife) who talked about losing his mom at 28 (same age i was).

it felt like i was listening to a story about me... the depression, the anxiety, the feeling hopeless... all of it. i had wished they talked more about it so i was kind of sad leaving, but then the next Sunday at church... they were there to talk about grief and anxiety and depression. what are the odds?

when i tell you i haven't cried like that in years, i mean it... i was ugly crying in front of so many people, thank goodness there was music going because i was sobbing uncontrollably. but you know what... it really helped. not fixed by any means, but for the first time in years i felt like i could breathe again.

i'm still learning how to cope, it's coming up on a year here soon and i have no idea how i'll handle it, but one day at a time.

and my wonderful husband brought me to build-a-bear the other day and we made a teddy bear with a voicemail i had of my mom on my phone, stuffed it with the smell of her favorite thing, coffee, and put a best mom ever shirt on it to always remind me, and my kids, of my mom. their mammy. our rock.

holding that bear, hearing her voice, smelling the coffee... it makes me feel like she's here with me...

i will never forget my amazing mother. thanks for reading.

until we meet again (10/11/1965-04/04/2025)